Naughty Purple Prose

Man the pumps. She’s been flooded!

From “Dreams of a Dark Warrior” by Kresley Cole.

“That agonized expression transformed into one of ecstasy just as she felt him ejaculate inside her.
Jet after jet of his scorching seed.
He bucked his hips in a frenzy, flooding her…”

Jeez, no blow jobs for him. You might drown and/or burn to death.

She’d even shaved “Welcome” into her pubic hair

badromancenovelquotesandcovers:

“Her legs wrapped around his trim hips, opening her pussy to invite him inside.”

Northern Exposure — Jayne Rylon, Mari Carr

I hope he took his shoes off. 

(Source: romance.unclewaltersrants.com)

The only time I’d like to hear “comes with a built in extension” is at the real estate agents’

From “Tempting the Beast” by Lora Leigh Breeds series.

“Gritting his teeth, he eased back, wanting to scream himself at the incredible pleasure from the friction of her flesh against his. His cock was so sensitive it was nearly unbearable. He could feel the small barb-like protrusion emerging from beneath the head of his cock, slowly, unfolding from its former hiding place. He prayed. He prayed to a God he had once doubted that it would bring her no harm. That the once inactive portion of his cock, the small, curved, hard protrusion would not bring her harm.”

I’ll admit, my mastermind specialist subject would be “vamporn” but I draw the line at extending cocks! I feel it’s only a smutty hop, skip and a jump away to Japanese tentacle porn. 

I’d like to tap that. And bottle it. And sell it next to the maple syrup.

From “The Duke is Mine” by Eloisa James.

“All of a sudden strong arms circled her hips and a swipe of his tongue between her legs made her shriek. “Like honey,” he said, taking another lick that made her gasp.”

Imagine my surprise when my husband confirmed that it’s neither like honey nor sweet cream.

I’ll take “things that are white” for $100, Alex

From “Shattered” by Sophia Sharp

“His skin was pure white, and reflected the lightly strongly. It wasn’t a sickly white, though; rather, it reminded her of the strong, clean white she could imagine on a horse or unicorn”

I know, it’s not smut but WTF?

“Yeah, you’re white, like a horse or a thing that doesn’t exist!!!!”

There were so many ridiculous things about this book, not just its comparisons to my-little-pony. At one point the heroine is nearly gang raped at school (this is the point at which I gave up reading.) Of course, she’s saved from her rapey fate by unicorn boy and instead of falling at his feet and offering up the flower of her womanhood, she’s all like, “Now Brad will never ask me to the prom, I hate you!”

Congratulations, Sofia Sharp. You’ve created a heroine more pathetic than Bella Swan. *Slow hand claps*

She must have a Kegelmaster.

From “The Darkest Secret” Gena Showalter, Lords of the Underworld series.

“Her back bowed, her hips lifted, forcing him as deep as he could go, her inner walls clenching on him, milking him. Amun erupted. He gave her every drop, filling her up, branding her, staking that claim.”

Why do so many romance authors insist on giving their heroines woo-woos of steel, capable of literally milking the come from their man? Maybe I’m not trying hard enough? Should I step up my Kegel exercises to 30 minutes a day? I mean the ability to literally bring forth sperm from my husband would be useful if I were in a rush… AND I’ve heard there are ladies in Thailand that can snap a pencil in half with their va-jay-jays of steel! Ooh, there’s an idea for a bond villainess. “Tell me zee code Meester Bond or ai snap your dick in half!” Of course Bond would be using his condom made of titanium that Q had handily supplied him with, you know, just in case…

Room temperature only, thanks.

From “Lothaire” Kresley Cole’s IAD series.

“His seed boiled forth in a rush. His hips surged forward in an uncontrollable fury, pistoning between her legs. Scorching jets of semen pumped into her… his body pouring into hers… over and over…”

Now don’t get me wrong, Ms. Cole is one of my favourite romance writers and she has a lot of talent. However, anytime I see the word “boil” or “scorch” associated with ma lady bits, I can’t help but remember the time I spilled an entire, piping hot, mug of mint tea into my lap. I had to go to hospital for burn treatments. The only temperature I like my sperm is room temperature. And trust me ladies, if it starts to burn during sex, you need to visit your gynaecologist.